Sweat mixed with cigarettes

Being able to smell him on your skin for hours after he left, yea, today was that kind of awesome. Aiden stepped up. Even though I hadn't seen him in forever, we laughed a lot and caught up. It was great and I admit his smoothness is just as nonexistent as I remember it to be. Me fiddling with the pillows as we lay there watching a movie only to have him toss open his arms and announce that this is better than a pillow. I did forget that he talks almost nonstop which doesn’t really bother me; I’m more of listener then a talker anyways. I admit I like his straight forwardness. I tend to be a bit old fashioned where the guy needs to make the first move and make his wants known, Aiden has no trouble with this. I told him if he see’s something he wants to just take it and he did. Not in a taking advantage way he picked up on my small signals. I learned today that a lot can be said without using your mouth. He’s got nice eyes and we were pretty innocent today. However my skin hurts from where he bit down a little hard, shoulders, collar bone area, and neck areas are all sore.

Step up...one of you please..

I went on a little trip this weekend and learned a lot. For instance, I’m actually not as weirdly shaped as I thought and I’m more determined than ever to lose more weight but I need to be careful, at what price am I willing to let my body pay for this?

In reaction to the previous post I realized I should give the other boys names. Let’s call “boy one”, yea the one that monster of a long ass post is about for this he’ll be known as Cory. “Boy two” who I’ve never really written about until now, will now be known as Aiden. Got it? Boy one = Cory. Boy two = Aiden.

I’m going to start off with Cory since it’ll be the shorter of the two posts. I may have sent him a drunken text the other night while I was lying on a friends couch in a city three hours south of here. All it said was and I quote, “I need a pillow, come here.” I didn’t think anything of it until I was on my way home the next day, I went to send him a text and found my drunken one. I promptly apologized and asked if we were still hanging out when I get back into town. He laughed and said the drunken text was fine, it made him smile. Then told me he was hanging out with friends watching some game. I hopped of the train and walked by the stadium, the game he is watching is right there. I shrugged and shook my head telling him I was looking forward to possibly seeing him. Maybe some other time then. With my hiking pack on I ran the half mile from the stadium to the ferry dock. I finally learned how old he is, my age plus 11 years. Cory, you’re really cute and I’m ready to go through a lot of deep shit to see you and possibly be with you but step up your game now. I might be gone forever soon.

Aiden..Where do we start with this one? I’ve known him since I was 17 (I’m only 23 now for those of you wondering) and we’ve seemed to circle each other constantly trying to see one another but something happens and we don’t see each other. We met when I snuck out of the house, my friends picking me up around the corner we went to see this band live at the all ages venue across the bridge. I’m not even sure how it happened I remember someone bumping into me and then talking to him. Then I saw the same dude on stage, ok. It’s pretty cool to see him making the bass guitar his own personal bitch. I don’t remember much past that. I just know we both seem to fade in and out of each other’s lives a lot. Going for months without hearing from one another is no problem. Then we pick up as if nothing’s changed, it was never I haven’t heard from you where the fuck were you?! It was hey, I’ve missed you, how have you been? A couple months ago I remember letting Aiden vent to me about how he always seems to fall in love with stupid people. I told him not to worry. We’re young and have time to find that person. Lately it’s him constantly trying to see me and I may have told Jackie about how he’s talking to me more, making an effort to be there.

I had a tragic or well beyond tragic birthday party. I left before he could get there, I wanted to see him so bad but this party was miserable. He called me making sure I was ok, checking if I was hurt and what exactly happened. Then apologizing for it all as if he had something to do with it, no Aiden you’re fine, don’t worry. He kept texting me until I fell asleep. He was there for me. Strange. This isn’t something I’m used to. He wanted to come with me this past weekend but based on our past experiences I had a feeling it wouldn’t happen, he called and cancelled on me the night before, apologizing wishing he could come. It’s ok Aiden, we’ll be together soon, I promise.

Last night I logged into a popular website and just started chatting with him. Why do I have the urge to crawl all over him and get to know him better both inside and out? I’m one of those girls who if I have an insanely girly day then the next day all I want is some attention and right now I want Aiden’s. Him begging me to come out, see me he said, come to me. I can’t my car is on the fritz. This was followed by a swear word from him and me telling him that he should come over before work. His only reaction is to say this, “It’s getting harder to resist you..” Oh god, there’s that hidden smile we girls only show our pillows as our hair falls into our face. Feeling so secure and wanted in your own skin. Damn that was a good line. I respond with, “Don’t worry, we’ll be together. Come over.”

The boys..

Boy one (see previous post for his back story): I finally got the nerve to ask out and he never responded. Am I wasting my time?

Boy two (never written about him, he has no interests in this club or this sport he's a crazy hot musician. This can only end badly.): All of a sudden wants to go to Portland with me, when I mentioned sex, he tossed the brakes on. Odd. As long as I've known this guy we've been trying to get down each other's pants. All of a sudden he wants to take it slow? Huh.. ok. Brownie points awarded these on top of the ones earned for making sure I was ok after dreaded birthday party. Thank you. Maybe there's more to you then I really know.

Boy three- (Scott): Eh? Who?

Four Months Later

      I remember the first time we met. It was at the smaller stadium for the team we both support, I had a lot on my mind that day. Meeting two guys to sell my spare tickets to and meeting you so I could buy your general admission ticket for the next game at the bigger stadium.  Sounds silly but it was true. You walked up to me and I promptly handed you one of the spare tickets saying how much it was, you corrected me and handed me your GA ticket and I passed you the cash. Both of us started laughing at my mix up, you slightly teasing me about being a one woman ticket agent. I admit it. I thought you were cute and told you where I would be in the stadium, I mean if you wanted to hang out but you don’t have to. Your smile caught my attention. It’s not often I make a complete dork of myself in front of someone new and just start laughing. Odd, how comfortable I am around you. The middle of July, it was a nice perk to meet you that day, as if the sunshine, the win, and good friends wasn’t good enough. I finally put a face to a name. After all who apologizes for not hanging out at a game? Silly boy you didn’t need to apologize, you did though it may have made me smile. Cute guys with manners are a rare find.

         I remember keeping an eye out for you for a while after that but figured you made a much bigger impression on me then I did on you.  I was also in love with someone else at the time but I’m not any more. I finally feel like I have my head on my shoulders, I remember who I am again. Goodness, I missed me.

    Our team made it to the post season. Three friends and I got together last minute and decided to do the drive down and back in 48 hours, 26 of which was spent in the car (13 hour drive each way). We rolled into town around 2 A.M.  I was lying in bed down stairs at our host’s home. Being the only girl on the trip meant I got the only REAL bed. However two of the boys were in the next room and discussing politics I was having trouble sleeping as it is, so I started playing with twitter and over direct messages we started chatting. How silly I felt texting you while I was laying there strange but comforting. You made me smile and probably had no idea. I was surprised to actually see you were excited to see me again. I like your face so I wasn’t complaining about possibly seeing you again but was surprised you had any interest in seeing me. What did I do to catch your attention?

         My friends and I get to the bar on game day, I don’t see you even though yes I was looking but there were a lot of folks I was supposed to being saying hi to that day. One of the guys in my group and I had ordered a pitcher of beer with only about seven minutes to drink it needless to say we rushed. My group finished our beers and headed to the max station (light rail commuter train) getting there early we wandered across the street to a mini mart grabbing mini bottles of orange juice to drink part of and refill with vodka once we get back to the car. I watched everyone walk around the corner to the max station, snapping a few pictures here and there. I turned my back to the rail line to chat with the others I was with as we waited. All of a sudden a semi familiar face pops up and I just remember staring at you blankly for a second until you smiled. Chatting, I don’t even remember what about. I do recall that I apologized I didn’t recognize you at first. I may or may not have blushed a little. There it is again, you’re always smiling around me, why? I’m not the type of girl guys smile at. That’s when you told me that you’d seen me in the bar but wasn’t sure if it was me, that you had to do a double take. Me? I made you pull a double take? But.. but.. I don’t have any make up on and my hair was brushed and pulled back let’s face it, it was getting grosser by the minute. You had to take a double take of that? Granted since I last saw you almost 5 months ago I’ve dropped another pant size or was it two more? I don’t remember. We laughed and you reached out to touch my side, I didn’t pull back. I very much wanted to take a step closer. But you got your hand caught in the rucksack I had on, then it was your turn to blush. I turned away for a second and then when I looked back you were gone.

      The max line came. I hopped into the first car along with my group and about a dozen or so other fans of our team. Sitting in the very front with a guy from my group we talked the twenty minute ride away. I thought I was looking at you, when I sent you a text referring to it being ok if you smile. This must have made you laugh and your response of “that is so not ultra”. Wait.. You’re an ultra? Shit. I don’t want to be seen as one of those girls, who only want to be around you because you hold some kind of power in this group. I just really like your smile. I’m curious to know if the smile matches the rest of the man. I don’t want to come off as trying to get down your pants because of the power you hold. I’ve seen it one too many times, a girl hooking up with a guy just because he’s powerful. I also want to make my own name in this group, I wouldn’t mind be connected with you but I need people to see me for me. I’m finally getting recognized by some of the heads of the group, they see me all the time and they’re starting to recognize my face. I love what they’ve given me and all I want is to help give back that feeling to other members. Among all the other people in our section I found my eyes kept going to you, you caught me once and we both just smiled. This is saying something since my ex was also in my line of sight whenever I looked at you. The game itself sucked, even more so because we still had a 13 hour drive home.

        That was Saturday. Our boys played again on Wednesday. I think around Monday I sent you a text asking if it’s ok if I sit with you in GA for the game on Wednesday. My friends ditched me last minute and I was selling my spare tickets. Sure enough my uncle and another guy from the original trip on Saturday came with me. You told me roughly where you sat, so I went in that general direction and found some spots for me and my two boys. I didn’t see you walk in. All of a sudden I heard a familiar voice call my name turning. I see you. I admit it, you made my face light up with a smile. My uncle who was standing to my right shot you this look of who are you and why are you talking to Ell? We both just look and smile. Goodness you’re cute. How did you know it was me? I had my rain coat on covering me from head to well just below my ass, yet you still knew. Hmm… I turn back towards the field. A few minutes later I feel my rucksack move. As if someone just slipped a finger under one of the straps and lightly pulled it towards him. I couldn’t help but turn and smile at you. You’re doing a very good job at getting my attention. You’ve also managed to draw the attention of all the females around you to me. I finally understand what my friends meant by the dirty sideways looks girls toss at each other when they all want a certain guy’s attention.

     I listened to you chant and listened to you cheer. I watched as others in the area went to you for information. I remember turning my head to look back at you and steal an occasional glance, I can’t argue with a guy that dresses that nice for games. I watched as a girl next to you went to climb over the seat to stand next to me, she slipped and we both were at her side making sure she was ok. Then glancing at each other and smiling. By the time half rolls around we started to chat about Saturday and my rant about gimmicks and corporate tifo put a smile on your face. Giggles and agreement. I wish I was braver, I would have loved to touch your face however any closer and we would have been nose to nose as it is. 

If I had a problem with being "one of the guys", I wouldn't be me.

        Just as the title says if I had a problem with being one of the boys, I wouldn’t be me. I wouldn’t be Ella. I'm so used to being that type of girl. Growing up in a family with three kids, my older brother being the closest in age to me, with our sister being the oldest and myself the baby, I was always tagging along with Mum to his soccer games. I remember going to these games out in Yakima and on this particular trip we had to take two of my brother’s teammates along with us as their parents couldn’t make it. Three teenage boys, one teenage girl, and one adult to supervise, oh and one hotel room with two beds and cot. Yea, parents doesn’t this sound like fun? With a total of about 7 hours in one car round trip, thank god for headphones and napping. Well long story short my easy going nature saved me and I’ve always been a step or two ahead of where I should be. Rarely am I surprised by anything. Because of the nature of my brother and I’s relationship, I also find it very difficult to open that door to let people know how I feel.

     This is all brought on by my impromptu trip to Utah this weekend. Me, 3 guys, and 26 hours in a car over the course of three days.  Thankfully Scott, who you'll soon come to learn as “that” guy, is not one of the ones in the car with us. However he did talk to the leader of our ragtag group saying we all have to meet up before the game for drinks. I don’t want to see him. I mean it was pretty satisfying to see him stare at me during that last home game. Personally, I didn't notice but my buddy did. She knows what he did to me. She leaned down at one point during the match and grins whispering, “Dude….he keeps looking at you. I keep seeing him look over and stare at you. I'm not actually looking I can just seem him do it out of the corner of my eye. He's done it like a dozen times.” I remember keeping my face forward smiling and asking “Really?” Brooke nodding yes in reply and me laughing, ”Good for fucking him. He can look all he want. If I know him and I do, then he'll keep looking, but he has my cell number, he's friends with me on Xbox, twitter, Facebook, and foursquare. If he wants my attention he can contact me.” The game played on I continued to sing and chant as if he wasn't there. I went up early at half to get a beer, coming back to Brooke I got shoved from behind and my hand got soaked in beer. Maybe it wasn't all that random dude's fault as this was beer number 3. I looked past her for a second to my seat and made eye contact with you I don't even remember if you were smiling or not but I was as I reached for my bag. I remember thinking that yes you still have the nicest eyes I've ever seen but for the first time ever your eyes, those ice blue eyes, didn't make my heart skip. I admit now that I may have glanced over at you once or twice during the match, I haven't seen your face in the light of day in a long time. 
              Can I tell you something about Scott? No? Well I’m going to anyways. If this guy acted and I mean walked up and talked to me as much as he stares at me, I’m pretty sure our relationship would be very different. Wish it was.  These denim blue eyes adore those ice blue ones.

       Now I hear you want to meet up with the other guys in my group. Is this some kind of mind game? Wait, I just gave you credit for actual thought. Well, there’s a first time for everything.  Are you trying to see me? I don’t want to see you. I want to put my boot in your face. Are you trying to make me feel small and as if I don’t exist? You’ve been there and done that. Why are you doing this to me? Please Scott, I beg of you, just let me be. Let my heart heal, it’s taken…well we’re pushing four months since you said those nasty and hurtful words behind my back, please just leave me be.  I hate myself at times because of you but I refuse to appear damaged by your words.

   Remember the saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”? They were wrong. Words can hurt me. Especially your words.

Party People

Hey folks,

    As the blog says just call me Ella, this is going to be my frist attempt at writing so bear with me. This, this is going to be bits of my random life thrown on here, parts will be a story and others with be my random rants and ramblings. I look forward to hearing from all of you. Right now we’ll start fresh with hi, tomorrow look for a doozy of a post about a boy. The boy I guess you could call him but you’ll soon learn all about that.