If I had a problem with being "one of the guys", I wouldn't be me.

        Just as the title says if I had a problem with being one of the boys, I wouldn’t be me. I wouldn’t be Ella. I'm so used to being that type of girl. Growing up in a family with three kids, my older brother being the closest in age to me, with our sister being the oldest and myself the baby, I was always tagging along with Mum to his soccer games. I remember going to these games out in Yakima and on this particular trip we had to take two of my brother’s teammates along with us as their parents couldn’t make it. Three teenage boys, one teenage girl, and one adult to supervise, oh and one hotel room with two beds and cot. Yea, parents doesn’t this sound like fun? With a total of about 7 hours in one car round trip, thank god for headphones and napping. Well long story short my easy going nature saved me and I’ve always been a step or two ahead of where I should be. Rarely am I surprised by anything. Because of the nature of my brother and I’s relationship, I also find it very difficult to open that door to let people know how I feel.

     This is all brought on by my impromptu trip to Utah this weekend. Me, 3 guys, and 26 hours in a car over the course of three days.  Thankfully Scott, who you'll soon come to learn as “that” guy, is not one of the ones in the car with us. However he did talk to the leader of our ragtag group saying we all have to meet up before the game for drinks. I don’t want to see him. I mean it was pretty satisfying to see him stare at me during that last home game. Personally, I didn't notice but my buddy did. She knows what he did to me. She leaned down at one point during the match and grins whispering, “Dude….he keeps looking at you. I keep seeing him look over and stare at you. I'm not actually looking I can just seem him do it out of the corner of my eye. He's done it like a dozen times.” I remember keeping my face forward smiling and asking “Really?” Brooke nodding yes in reply and me laughing, ”Good for fucking him. He can look all he want. If I know him and I do, then he'll keep looking, but he has my cell number, he's friends with me on Xbox, twitter, Facebook, and foursquare. If he wants my attention he can contact me.” The game played on I continued to sing and chant as if he wasn't there. I went up early at half to get a beer, coming back to Brooke I got shoved from behind and my hand got soaked in beer. Maybe it wasn't all that random dude's fault as this was beer number 3. I looked past her for a second to my seat and made eye contact with you I don't even remember if you were smiling or not but I was as I reached for my bag. I remember thinking that yes you still have the nicest eyes I've ever seen but for the first time ever your eyes, those ice blue eyes, didn't make my heart skip. I admit now that I may have glanced over at you once or twice during the match, I haven't seen your face in the light of day in a long time. 
              Can I tell you something about Scott? No? Well I’m going to anyways. If this guy acted and I mean walked up and talked to me as much as he stares at me, I’m pretty sure our relationship would be very different. Wish it was.  These denim blue eyes adore those ice blue ones.

       Now I hear you want to meet up with the other guys in my group. Is this some kind of mind game? Wait, I just gave you credit for actual thought. Well, there’s a first time for everything.  Are you trying to see me? I don’t want to see you. I want to put my boot in your face. Are you trying to make me feel small and as if I don’t exist? You’ve been there and done that. Why are you doing this to me? Please Scott, I beg of you, just let me be. Let my heart heal, it’s taken…well we’re pushing four months since you said those nasty and hurtful words behind my back, please just leave me be.  I hate myself at times because of you but I refuse to appear damaged by your words.

   Remember the saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”? They were wrong. Words can hurt me. Especially your words.