An update on Cory

We talked about going out the other night. It just never seems to work. I had made plans to go to a game with friends, yea it was only an indoor game but I don’t break this type of plans I wish that was the same for these friends. One never showed and the other brought along several other loud obnoxious girls who then proceeded to cackled and screamed during the game oblivious to what was actually happening on the field. Randomly yelling at the referee for no apparent reason just to hear the sound of their own voice, do these girls even know the basic rules? They’re the ones who look make girls like me seem so strange. We come to the games, we know the rules, we know who the players are, and we know the details like ever sports fan does. We don’t come to get down the players’ pants, we have guys of our own. Sure, ours don’t get paid to play sports but they know how to make us smile, isn’t that all we really ask for? We don’t come and get so drunk we slip and dump beer all over the people around us. We may have a drink, because we’re thirsty, if it’s a beer, so what? Girls like that give girls like me a bad name. What’s worse, these girls gave this girl a throbbing migraine and made me cancel my plans early. I wish I was with you. I don’t care about what we’d be doing. I just want to be around you.

I had to hard reset my phone the other day. It made it so all my numbers were wiped clean, all my programs, all my photos everything was gone, a clean start. I made a comment on a social networking site about how starting fresh without anyone’s number was possibly a good thing. Ya know cleansing all the numbers I don’t need in my life. Among the numbers I was looking to get rid of was yours. It hurts me so bad to hear you talk about your failings in love. I decided to just stay away from you give myself some space. After I made the post not 3 minutes later I get a text from you, asking what I did to my phone and how you just wanted to make sure that I had your number. Why? I mean I agree I enjoy our banter and yes I admit knowing in the morning we’re both in our pjs watching the games together and texting one another is sweet in way. I wish there wasn’t an hour and half between us. I wish there wasn’t anything between us. That I was under your arm making you smile through the games. You’re so open with me I mean is this how you are or is there something different here? I’m so comfortable around you but when you’re telling me about these girls, I can feel my heart slowly die a little bit more with each word you say. I can see the light of what might be slowly slip away from me. I smile and laugh to myself reminding myself that you’re a bit older than me and that we’re in two very different places in our lives. The last time we talked about relationships I told you about giving up on this guy, the age difference is too big and how I’m sure we’re just in two very different places. I then told you that this was you. Silent, awkward for a few moments, I proceeded to tell you not to worry. I secretly hated myself for telling you. Wishing I hadn’t. There may have been a couple of tears on my end. You said you were naïve to it and it caught you off guard. I congratulated you for finally being able to use the friend card. A few days pass. I send you a text apologizing for telling you my feelings, I felt pretty stupid for doing it. I’m not one to do this. I see opening to someone as a weakness, letting another person that close, into the otherwise private world of my thoughts and my feelings. This time it was your turn to tell me not to worry.

Please understand that I get confused by what you tell me. I know we’re friends and I’m sorry but don’t tell me how you enjoy making me cringe and send a chill down my back. Friends say that? I’d been called a stalker before so when you asked me if I was stalking you I said no. Then you tell me that it’s too bad, it’s cold and you could use someone to snuggle with. Did you know this made me melt? But we’re just friends. It’s ok heart I feel him killing you slowly and I let him cause as much as it hurts, I need my fix of this strange drug. Most importantly, do not wrap your arms around me, then make me smile, don’t try too hard to impress me with your story, only to leave my side and steal glimpses of me the rest of the evening to tell me that you’re not interested. Wow, what kind of friend does that? As if it could get worse, I had a crappy night and guess who I want to run to and hide to? I’m looking forward to talking to you tomorrow, wait what am I saying I’m always looking forward to talking to you. You’re the first guy to work his way into my routine and you’ll be the first I force myself to kick out.

Every girl likes talking to the guy that makes her spilt her lip as she smiles so hard into her pillow. Damn you, fuck you. Stay away from me. But first lift your arm please and let me slide in beside you and fall asleep, feeling safe, warm, and loved. Even if the feelings aren’t real and mutual. I can pretend they are, at least for now.

Rygger (yes that is a name)

Hey
So this whole thing doesn’t surprise me as I said. What I just can’t seem to wrap my head around is how exactly when we had plans and obviously it was no secret we were into each other that another female can turn your head so very easily. I know you said it had nothing to do with me but when you pull what you did, it makes me start to wonder if it really was me. How could I have kept you attention? Am I really that horrible of a person that you can just push aside so easy?

I’m pissed off at myself for letting you in. The last time I let someone this close I ended up getting called, “psycho crazy stalker” and that he was “scared of me”. I’m angry at myself for letting you close especially after reading the insanely old DMs on twitter. Those made me soften up to the idea of spending time with you. I’m not one to lie and I won’t start now your messages earlier hurt, they made me cry a little. I saw it coming (context clues have always been a strong suit for me). I’m still interested in being your friend and getting to know you. All I ask is that you never put yourself down. THAT pisses me off a lot more than anything else you could say or do.