Hug Me Closer.

        I wish I knew why I’m not the girl you want. I fucking hate the fact that your face lit up when you saw me at the game. I hate you for grabbing me and pulling me under your arm, walking and stumbling. Why am I the girl all guys want when they’re drunk? I want to make your face light up when you’re sober. I’m never going to be that girl and I get that. I just wish I understood why you always want me around but you don’t want me. Please Cory, I know how I feel about you. I adore you and could so easily see myself being in love with you, you’re one of the few guys I feel so completely comfortable around that I don’t care if I make a fool of myself.

         Few days later and we start texting, I don’t even remember about what. I just remember saying hey next time don’t grab me so hard. You mildly freaked out even though I reminded you, that I was just yanking your chain. Well, it made me laugh anyways. Last night I was watching a buddy stream a replay of a game through his website, I had multiple tabs open on my laptop and all of a sudden I saw one of them flashing, “Cory has messaged you” and I was like, “Wait which Cory? I know several surely this isn’t the one who I rarely stop thinking about.” Sure enough it was, we sat and chatted about movies and what all happened on Saturday you told me how embarrassed you were by your behavior that night. I vented about things that could have gone better. I told you not to worry, that I will always have your back in any instance. You thanked me for the chat and I felt like I should be the one thanking you.

         It’s silly but I sometimes wonder if you realize just how amazing you are. You made me smile. You tend to do it all the time and don’t even know it.  I tend to go for someone I can have a decent conversation with and here’s a small newsflash buddy, you’re smart and easy to talk to. I dunno any more. You baffle me and yet I love talking to you.

        Yesterday, game day. I’m bumming around the park with my friend waiting for something to start when I look up and see you walking in my general direction. I wander over beside you and ask, “what ya doing?” You turned and looked and grinned pulling me under your arm. We stand there and talk for a few minutes. We start to turn and walk apart and you hug me close again. I kind of laugh and look at you like “is that the best you've got?” You pick up and pull me in closer hugging me so tight I let out a slight gasp feeling the fabric of your jacket on my cheek. That hug could have lasted a bit longer, it could have lasted forever. I adore you but for now I’m trying not to think about the fact that you hold me tighter now than when you were drunk. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I love how close we are. I could see us getting a lot closer but when I think about it I tend to step back. I’m not the girl you want. I know, you’ve told me. So for now I won’t think about how safe and oh so very loved I always feel around you. I will put my head down and pretend that you don’t know the way my heart beats. Carry on little one. Don’t let him know it took you a minute to catch your footing and your breath after he hugged you.

        I wish we hadn’t met in this “family”. I wish we had met somewhere else based on common interests. Maybe then I would have a chance with you. I’m still smiling over our drunken texts to each other. Mine to you,” God I wanted to bug the crap out of you,” your response, “I know right? Never saw you :/ .” We were both sad that our friends dragged us apart. Maybe this is a sign that we’re never going to be good enough for the other person. Hey you, I adore you. I adore the fact that I let you in and you didn’t run away, didn’t call me scary or a freak. You smiled and pulled me a little closer.

The newest of new....well for now

             Hrm..where to start with this one?
         I've been going to my older brother's indoor games. Mainly to watch and it's nice to see some of his friends some of who I've known since I was four years old. There's no pressure to be anything that I'm not. I was standing on the upper level watching the boys on field one warm up for their game and keeping an eye out for more of the boys on my bro's team to show up. 15 Minutes before kick off and this dude in a green and gray team jacket walks over and stands next to me and says hi. I remember just looking at him like he was crazy. He wandered off a minute or two later. I turn around and wander towards field two. I prefer standing on the upper platform, good view of the entire field. Sure enough that same dude is parked about 3 feet from my bag. There is 40feet of open space to watch this game on this field, and he is 3 feet from my bag. Enough room for me to slide in and stand between him and my bag. I remember seeing him and thinking,"You little mother fucker, you're in my spot!" I didn't say anything just slid in behind him to watch the game. I don't think he noticed. The next thing I know he's popped up and gone, I turned just in time to see him with his indoor shoes and and pair of shorts in his hands running down stairs to change. The team was short a few players and I guess he had his gear handy. He played the game and did well. My mum fondly dubbed him the better looking "Wayne Rooney mini me."
       To be perfectly honest, I didn't think much about it until later that week when my brother came over and we all discussed his game. I had to take a look at his ankle anyways. He got into a nasty tackle that night and his entire foot was purple. However the guy he tackled had to have three people help him off the field. Ah family bonding. When my Mum brought up this new guy, I was like "Oh yea the dude that came over and said hi to me both my Mum and bro just turned and looked at me. My eyes got big and I was like "What? He did!" Apparently he was new to the sport only started following the team in Seattle a year ago and loved it so much he started playing four months ago. He was pretty good for only playing for four months, kind of cute to.
        Next week's game rolls around. I'm surprised to see my brother even playing. Him and a few of the other guys look a little banged up. Not as quick as they usually are, gimping a little. I know my brother he'll hide it as much as he can. He has to get really tired and weak feeling before he lets his emotions come out fully. We're alike in that sense. New guy is here to but not playing. I stand next to my Mum and watch. I think I kept my eyes on the players benches as much as I did on the field. Three of our boys with either tape jobs or ice packs. Hrm... Mum and I chat about this and that during the games. She asked why this new kid wasn't playing tonight. I shrugged saying I have no idea. I look over at him and wouldn't you know it, he's staring at me. Huh..odd...I don't turn heads...maybe I do but just don't notice it. This could be true..I'll explain later. He keeps looking over at me. I finish my beer with about ten minutes left in the second half and walk over to toss my plastic cup away. I make a little side trip and walk over and stand next to him asking why he wasn't playing. Honestly I just wanted to know the answer to this. He looked at me and then did a double take at the same time jumping about a foot and a half. His face turning bright red and put a little too much expression into his words. He's scared and nervous, adorable. We talk for a few minutes and I admit, he's cuter then I first realized. He's a total newb to soccer. I don't have the heart to ask him a question about a topic that I've been pondering all day. I simply ask if he follows a team in the EPL. He shakes his head no and starts going on about going to Seattle games and the man u friendly. Then he starts quizzing me about if I go to the games? I nod. Oh well we should hang out at the games, I mean if you want to. He rattles off. I just grin and nod. Yea I'd be down for that. He grins. By now the game has ended and his buddy walks by teasing him for talking to a girl. I wander over to grab my bag and he follows me talking about him and his buddy are going to grab a couple beers. Dude I can hear his nerves. I didnt give him my number, meh maybe Friday if he shows up for the next indoor game.
      So I don't typically turn heads but the last time I sat or well stood in the rowdy section of the main stadium we go to. I was waiting for Cory.This dude kept staring at me and nodding his head looking me up and down with this stupid grin. I'm pretty sure I frowned at him wondering who he was looking at and when I realized I was the only girl in that area at that moment. I shot him a quick smile and his face lit up. I'm lucky he didn't come bounding over the 4 rows of soaking wet seats between us.
        I told Cory about the guy at the indoor center. He didn't say much. He didn't say anything. I asked him if I should go to the next indoor game or go to a buddy's birthday party instead. He told me to go to the party and forget about the guy. Umm....ok. He also hasn't said much about the girl he's into lately. Strange for him. There was a freebie preseason match yesterday. The one thing I didn't want happened. I mean we won which was fantastic but I didn't want Cory to wonder where I am. He started texting me around noon to see if I was coming and I told him no. I have to work. He got a little mad and said he wanted to hang out. Geezus  Cory... do you not understand how much you're killing me with these words? You've quizzed me about where I am before, what away games I'm traveling to and how you plan to keep me close on those days. I love talking shit with you, I love being around you. You put me at ease and it's funny but I feel like I don't have to put on an act when it comes to you, like no matter what happens you'll have my back. When I picture this in my head I'm always standing in front of you both of us looking out a head at something until the view pans lower and I see us each having a finger hooked together. Simple and small but protective. You make me smile and the worst part is you don't even know it. Damn you.