I wish I knew why I’m not the girl you want. I fucking hate the fact that your face lit up when you saw me at the game. I hate you for grabbing me and pulling me under your arm, walking and stumbling. Why am I the girl all guys want when they’re drunk? I want to make your face light up when you’re sober. I’m never going to be that girl and I get that. I just wish I understood why you always want me around but you don’t want me. Please Cory, I know how I feel about you. I adore you and could so easily see myself being in love with you, you’re one of the few guys I feel so completely comfortable around that I don’t care if I make a fool of myself.
Few days later and we start texting, I don’t even remember about what. I just remember saying hey next time don’t grab me so hard. You mildly freaked out even though I reminded you, that I was just yanking your chain. Well, it made me laugh anyways. Last night I was watching a buddy stream a replay of a game through his website, I had multiple tabs open on my laptop and all of a sudden I saw one of them flashing, “Cory has messaged you” and I was like, “Wait which Cory? I know several surely this isn’t the one who I rarely stop thinking about.” Sure enough it was, we sat and chatted about movies and what all happened on Saturday you told me how embarrassed you were by your behavior that night. I vented about things that could have gone better. I told you not to worry, that I will always have your back in any instance. You thanked me for the chat and I felt like I should be the one thanking you.
It’s silly but I sometimes wonder if you realize just how amazing you are. You made me smile. You tend to do it all the time and don’t even know it. I tend to go for someone I can have a decent conversation with and here’s a small newsflash buddy, you’re smart and easy to talk to. I dunno any more. You baffle me and yet I love talking to you.
Yesterday, game day. I’m bumming around the park with my friend waiting for something to start when I look up and see you walking in my general direction. I wander over beside you and ask, “what ya doing?” You turned and looked and grinned pulling me under your arm. We stand there and talk for a few minutes. We start to turn and walk apart and you hug me close again. I kind of laugh and look at you like “is that the best you've got?” You pick up and pull me in closer hugging me so tight I let out a slight gasp feeling the fabric of your jacket on my cheek. That hug could have lasted a bit longer, it could have lasted forever. I adore you but for now I’m trying not to think about the fact that you hold me tighter now than when you were drunk. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I love how close we are. I could see us getting a lot closer but when I think about it I tend to step back. I’m not the girl you want. I know, you’ve told me. So for now I won’t think about how safe and oh so very loved I always feel around you. I will put my head down and pretend that you don’t know the way my heart beats. Carry on little one. Don’t let him know it took you a minute to catch your footing and your breath after he hugged you.
I wish we hadn’t met in this “family”. I wish we had met somewhere else based on common interests. Maybe then I would have a chance with you. I’m still smiling over our drunken texts to each other. Mine to you,” God I wanted to bug the crap out of you,” your response, “I know right? Never saw you :/ .” We were both sad that our friends dragged us apart. Maybe this is a sign that we’re never going to be good enough for the other person. Hey you, I adore you. I adore the fact that I let you in and you didn’t run away, didn’t call me scary or a freak. You smiled and pulled me a little closer.
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