3 Game days

          I’m not even entirely sure what happened or how. I had met up with another group member and wandered up to use the ATM on the way out I headed down the stairs. Looking down someone I hadn’t seen in a long time said hi as he was going up. It caught me off guard and I turned my head looking up to hear his answer. My gaze stopped dead as I looked up and instead of meeting his eyes I caught yours. It sounds silly and you hear about it in movies, the moment when the lead characters’ eyes meet and the entire world falls away. You see nothing but the other person’s eyes, you hear nothing. The rest of the world stops and as horribly cheesy as it sounds, it’s true. I saw nothing but the perfectly pigmented hazel of your stare. I heard nothing except maybe a simple gasp from me. I broke the connection but I could still feel you looking at me. What made you turn your head? What made you look that way? Did you hear me talking to Matt? I have no idea but there you are. It felt like forever. I broke it before I had a chance to trip on the way down stairs. It’s really hard to forget moments like that especially when the guy you have that moment with has told you that he’s not into you. He’ll never be into you.

            I walked into the stadium and talked with some of our mutual friends. Moving to the back with the lead of my group, I take a seat and pull out my phone only to see a text from you. A simple smiley face, I laughed slightly and only responded with one word. “Yes?” Then you responded with, “I didn’t really say hi, so hi.” I laughed to myself, do you have any idea how adorable you are? I told you where I was and that you’re more than welcome to come say a proper hello. I chilled out and relax watching the two teams warm up talking to Jared a bit more here and there. It was cool to finally hang out with him. I saw you walk over into the section and look up seeing me. I pretend not to notice but I do. I watched you keep your eyes on me as you walked up the stairs to my aisle to lean in and hug me from behind. Your head on my shoulder I felt that rare smile creep on my face. I was tired I had been up since 4 AM; its 7pm and I didn’t stop myself from reaching up to touch your cheek as you hugged me. I stood up and we talked, you showed me the tattoo along your collar. I smiled. You noticed the dark marks on my left wrist and I laughed explaining how I tend to take notes there when I get into a project. You suggested the same thing my ex did about getting ink there. Not today. I know what I want my first tattoo to be. I wish you were into me. This is when I felt the change though. Something changed. I stopped caring as much. Stopped wanting to be the girl at your side. I love you in a way but I’m only going to put as much effort into seeing you as you do into me. It feels like none like you wouldn’t care if you never saw me again.  You have my number, my phones is always on so use it and call me.

            I didn't even see you show up at the next game. Ice was behind me and it was the first time I had spoken to him in 8 months. I will always love him a little no matter how much of jackass he is. I told him so as well. Called him an asshole and asked how he’d been. We laughed. He’s an alright dude and I have no beef with him anymore. If we cross paths awesome but I will not go looking for him like I used to. It was good to see him. Meh. He’s not you. He isn’t the dude who is standing there next to me staring at me but then again that isn’t you either. I was packing my bag when I heard someone call out your name, I turned and looked seeing you I just bit my lower lip softly before double checking my gear and tossing my bag over my shoulder. As I walked out I shot you a text saying hi. You seemed surprised to even know I was there. I told you I would see you tomorrow I’ll be in the area. That apparently made you happy. I shrugged and didn't think anything of it. I knew you would have that girl with you and I would like to keep that stadium off the list of ones I’ve vomited in. 

             The next day as my brother and his group of friends walked up to me and the rest of my family his best friend waved to me. I waved back and then got confused as the girl walking in front of them also waved at me. Once I realized who it was I took off walking with her. My bro’s group seemed shocked that I knew her as well. I couldn’t help but laugh as we took off walking and catching up. I walked up to the bar with a gal pal as we crossed the street I had my head down and sunglasses on. I saw you right away and I was trying to dig my ID out as you tagged me on the shoulder I waved and ducked my head down as we walked into the bar. Yea I know I kind of blew you off. I didn’t want to see you with her. I texted you about there being extra room near you in the stadium. There was and I still decided to stand elsewhere in the general admission section. I will pretend that I didn’t see you turn quickly to get my attention. Pretend I didn’t notice that group of people who were watching you as you nearly tripped over your own feet to say hi. I will pretend you are any other dude who may have tried to get my attention. Most importantly I will ignore how shitty it made me feel to stand next to you but you had your back to me. I will ignore you for now, giving my hopes of someday being that girl at your side a rest. I won’t be tempted to run to you when I get hurt, we aren’t that close any more even though it’s one of the safest places I know. So for now I will put my head down, turn my music up and carry on without you.  

Blonde, not deaf.

       I hate to tell you I heard it all. I heard them ask who I was when I was away, why are you hugging that girl so much? This was after I was introduced to your friends. You were surprised that you knew some of mine.  This was after you nommed (ate) a cupcake I brought for you. After I pulled you to me and picked the crumbs off your scarf and you just watched, only protesting me slightly, I just crack a smile. You teased me about taking notes. I teased you for only having one color in your wardrobe. Your friends said I should have brought more cupcakes and that they have kitchens I’m more then welcome to come use to bake cupcakes in. I just laughed I wish I knew why I had my arm around your shoulders. I wish I knew why you tease me about my PDL team, about you being an ultra, about being so serious. I hate the way you get under my skin. No, no I don’t. I love it. I love being around you, the way you feel under my fingers, the way you look at me and somehow I manage to relax and get so very small feeling at the same time. I also heard you say that you’re bringing that girl to the next home game. I made a mental note to stay away. My heart is pretty fragile and I don’t want to spend the game wishing I was her. Wishing I was the one you plan on pulling to your side and look at with those warm brown eyes. I have to shake my head and laugh, knowing I’m being ridiculous about this. 

Running.

          When I was little I used to run. Everywhere. I was the family runner. I haven’t ran in ages, my knee cracks and creaks when I go upstairs. I hear it and watch as the bend makes a noise similar to rocks bouncing off each other. I feel my heart tighten and I miss running. I miss putting one foot in front of the other and moving. Feeling as close to a bird as humanly possible that if I keep running, getting a little faster and faster, maybe I’ll eventually push off and fly. The wind in my face the roar of music beating in my heart and guiding my pace as I imagine myself growing wings. Flying away from everything. Leaving my broken heart where I left it. I used to dream about it. Dream about running, dream about being free. I was always so happy in the dreams where I was running. A certain level of happiness I have never reached in real life. Maybe this is my sign. I think it’s time to start running again. I think it could be the one constant in my life. Something that never leaves me, never fails me. The thing that will miss me as much as I miss it. Perhaps it will give me the focus and drive I need to accomplish some other things I need to get done in my life. April 2, 2012. I Miss Ella for every reason you that you need, will start to run again.  Start putting one foot in front of the other and start moving forward. 

Hug Me Closer.

        I wish I knew why I’m not the girl you want. I fucking hate the fact that your face lit up when you saw me at the game. I hate you for grabbing me and pulling me under your arm, walking and stumbling. Why am I the girl all guys want when they’re drunk? I want to make your face light up when you’re sober. I’m never going to be that girl and I get that. I just wish I understood why you always want me around but you don’t want me. Please Cory, I know how I feel about you. I adore you and could so easily see myself being in love with you, you’re one of the few guys I feel so completely comfortable around that I don’t care if I make a fool of myself.

         Few days later and we start texting, I don’t even remember about what. I just remember saying hey next time don’t grab me so hard. You mildly freaked out even though I reminded you, that I was just yanking your chain. Well, it made me laugh anyways. Last night I was watching a buddy stream a replay of a game through his website, I had multiple tabs open on my laptop and all of a sudden I saw one of them flashing, “Cory has messaged you” and I was like, “Wait which Cory? I know several surely this isn’t the one who I rarely stop thinking about.” Sure enough it was, we sat and chatted about movies and what all happened on Saturday you told me how embarrassed you were by your behavior that night. I vented about things that could have gone better. I told you not to worry, that I will always have your back in any instance. You thanked me for the chat and I felt like I should be the one thanking you.

         It’s silly but I sometimes wonder if you realize just how amazing you are. You made me smile. You tend to do it all the time and don’t even know it.  I tend to go for someone I can have a decent conversation with and here’s a small newsflash buddy, you’re smart and easy to talk to. I dunno any more. You baffle me and yet I love talking to you.

        Yesterday, game day. I’m bumming around the park with my friend waiting for something to start when I look up and see you walking in my general direction. I wander over beside you and ask, “what ya doing?” You turned and looked and grinned pulling me under your arm. We stand there and talk for a few minutes. We start to turn and walk apart and you hug me close again. I kind of laugh and look at you like “is that the best you've got?” You pick up and pull me in closer hugging me so tight I let out a slight gasp feeling the fabric of your jacket on my cheek. That hug could have lasted a bit longer, it could have lasted forever. I adore you but for now I’m trying not to think about the fact that you hold me tighter now than when you were drunk. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I love how close we are. I could see us getting a lot closer but when I think about it I tend to step back. I’m not the girl you want. I know, you’ve told me. So for now I won’t think about how safe and oh so very loved I always feel around you. I will put my head down and pretend that you don’t know the way my heart beats. Carry on little one. Don’t let him know it took you a minute to catch your footing and your breath after he hugged you.

        I wish we hadn’t met in this “family”. I wish we had met somewhere else based on common interests. Maybe then I would have a chance with you. I’m still smiling over our drunken texts to each other. Mine to you,” God I wanted to bug the crap out of you,” your response, “I know right? Never saw you :/ .” We were both sad that our friends dragged us apart. Maybe this is a sign that we’re never going to be good enough for the other person. Hey you, I adore you. I adore the fact that I let you in and you didn’t run away, didn’t call me scary or a freak. You smiled and pulled me a little closer.

The newest of new....well for now

             Hrm..where to start with this one?
         I've been going to my older brother's indoor games. Mainly to watch and it's nice to see some of his friends some of who I've known since I was four years old. There's no pressure to be anything that I'm not. I was standing on the upper level watching the boys on field one warm up for their game and keeping an eye out for more of the boys on my bro's team to show up. 15 Minutes before kick off and this dude in a green and gray team jacket walks over and stands next to me and says hi. I remember just looking at him like he was crazy. He wandered off a minute or two later. I turn around and wander towards field two. I prefer standing on the upper platform, good view of the entire field. Sure enough that same dude is parked about 3 feet from my bag. There is 40feet of open space to watch this game on this field, and he is 3 feet from my bag. Enough room for me to slide in and stand between him and my bag. I remember seeing him and thinking,"You little mother fucker, you're in my spot!" I didn't say anything just slid in behind him to watch the game. I don't think he noticed. The next thing I know he's popped up and gone, I turned just in time to see him with his indoor shoes and and pair of shorts in his hands running down stairs to change. The team was short a few players and I guess he had his gear handy. He played the game and did well. My mum fondly dubbed him the better looking "Wayne Rooney mini me."
       To be perfectly honest, I didn't think much about it until later that week when my brother came over and we all discussed his game. I had to take a look at his ankle anyways. He got into a nasty tackle that night and his entire foot was purple. However the guy he tackled had to have three people help him off the field. Ah family bonding. When my Mum brought up this new guy, I was like "Oh yea the dude that came over and said hi to me both my Mum and bro just turned and looked at me. My eyes got big and I was like "What? He did!" Apparently he was new to the sport only started following the team in Seattle a year ago and loved it so much he started playing four months ago. He was pretty good for only playing for four months, kind of cute to.
        Next week's game rolls around. I'm surprised to see my brother even playing. Him and a few of the other guys look a little banged up. Not as quick as they usually are, gimping a little. I know my brother he'll hide it as much as he can. He has to get really tired and weak feeling before he lets his emotions come out fully. We're alike in that sense. New guy is here to but not playing. I stand next to my Mum and watch. I think I kept my eyes on the players benches as much as I did on the field. Three of our boys with either tape jobs or ice packs. Hrm... Mum and I chat about this and that during the games. She asked why this new kid wasn't playing tonight. I shrugged saying I have no idea. I look over at him and wouldn't you know it, he's staring at me. Huh..odd...I don't turn heads...maybe I do but just don't notice it. This could be true..I'll explain later. He keeps looking over at me. I finish my beer with about ten minutes left in the second half and walk over to toss my plastic cup away. I make a little side trip and walk over and stand next to him asking why he wasn't playing. Honestly I just wanted to know the answer to this. He looked at me and then did a double take at the same time jumping about a foot and a half. His face turning bright red and put a little too much expression into his words. He's scared and nervous, adorable. We talk for a few minutes and I admit, he's cuter then I first realized. He's a total newb to soccer. I don't have the heart to ask him a question about a topic that I've been pondering all day. I simply ask if he follows a team in the EPL. He shakes his head no and starts going on about going to Seattle games and the man u friendly. Then he starts quizzing me about if I go to the games? I nod. Oh well we should hang out at the games, I mean if you want to. He rattles off. I just grin and nod. Yea I'd be down for that. He grins. By now the game has ended and his buddy walks by teasing him for talking to a girl. I wander over to grab my bag and he follows me talking about him and his buddy are going to grab a couple beers. Dude I can hear his nerves. I didnt give him my number, meh maybe Friday if he shows up for the next indoor game.
      So I don't typically turn heads but the last time I sat or well stood in the rowdy section of the main stadium we go to. I was waiting for Cory.This dude kept staring at me and nodding his head looking me up and down with this stupid grin. I'm pretty sure I frowned at him wondering who he was looking at and when I realized I was the only girl in that area at that moment. I shot him a quick smile and his face lit up. I'm lucky he didn't come bounding over the 4 rows of soaking wet seats between us.
        I told Cory about the guy at the indoor center. He didn't say much. He didn't say anything. I asked him if I should go to the next indoor game or go to a buddy's birthday party instead. He told me to go to the party and forget about the guy. Umm....ok. He also hasn't said much about the girl he's into lately. Strange for him. There was a freebie preseason match yesterday. The one thing I didn't want happened. I mean we won which was fantastic but I didn't want Cory to wonder where I am. He started texting me around noon to see if I was coming and I told him no. I have to work. He got a little mad and said he wanted to hang out. Geezus  Cory... do you not understand how much you're killing me with these words? You've quizzed me about where I am before, what away games I'm traveling to and how you plan to keep me close on those days. I love talking shit with you, I love being around you. You put me at ease and it's funny but I feel like I don't have to put on an act when it comes to you, like no matter what happens you'll have my back. When I picture this in my head I'm always standing in front of you both of us looking out a head at something until the view pans lower and I see us each having a finger hooked together. Simple and small but protective. You make me smile and the worst part is you don't even know it. Damn you.

An update on Cory

We talked about going out the other night. It just never seems to work. I had made plans to go to a game with friends, yea it was only an indoor game but I don’t break this type of plans I wish that was the same for these friends. One never showed and the other brought along several other loud obnoxious girls who then proceeded to cackled and screamed during the game oblivious to what was actually happening on the field. Randomly yelling at the referee for no apparent reason just to hear the sound of their own voice, do these girls even know the basic rules? They’re the ones who look make girls like me seem so strange. We come to the games, we know the rules, we know who the players are, and we know the details like ever sports fan does. We don’t come to get down the players’ pants, we have guys of our own. Sure, ours don’t get paid to play sports but they know how to make us smile, isn’t that all we really ask for? We don’t come and get so drunk we slip and dump beer all over the people around us. We may have a drink, because we’re thirsty, if it’s a beer, so what? Girls like that give girls like me a bad name. What’s worse, these girls gave this girl a throbbing migraine and made me cancel my plans early. I wish I was with you. I don’t care about what we’d be doing. I just want to be around you.

I had to hard reset my phone the other day. It made it so all my numbers were wiped clean, all my programs, all my photos everything was gone, a clean start. I made a comment on a social networking site about how starting fresh without anyone’s number was possibly a good thing. Ya know cleansing all the numbers I don’t need in my life. Among the numbers I was looking to get rid of was yours. It hurts me so bad to hear you talk about your failings in love. I decided to just stay away from you give myself some space. After I made the post not 3 minutes later I get a text from you, asking what I did to my phone and how you just wanted to make sure that I had your number. Why? I mean I agree I enjoy our banter and yes I admit knowing in the morning we’re both in our pjs watching the games together and texting one another is sweet in way. I wish there wasn’t an hour and half between us. I wish there wasn’t anything between us. That I was under your arm making you smile through the games. You’re so open with me I mean is this how you are or is there something different here? I’m so comfortable around you but when you’re telling me about these girls, I can feel my heart slowly die a little bit more with each word you say. I can see the light of what might be slowly slip away from me. I smile and laugh to myself reminding myself that you’re a bit older than me and that we’re in two very different places in our lives. The last time we talked about relationships I told you about giving up on this guy, the age difference is too big and how I’m sure we’re just in two very different places. I then told you that this was you. Silent, awkward for a few moments, I proceeded to tell you not to worry. I secretly hated myself for telling you. Wishing I hadn’t. There may have been a couple of tears on my end. You said you were naïve to it and it caught you off guard. I congratulated you for finally being able to use the friend card. A few days pass. I send you a text apologizing for telling you my feelings, I felt pretty stupid for doing it. I’m not one to do this. I see opening to someone as a weakness, letting another person that close, into the otherwise private world of my thoughts and my feelings. This time it was your turn to tell me not to worry.

Please understand that I get confused by what you tell me. I know we’re friends and I’m sorry but don’t tell me how you enjoy making me cringe and send a chill down my back. Friends say that? I’d been called a stalker before so when you asked me if I was stalking you I said no. Then you tell me that it’s too bad, it’s cold and you could use someone to snuggle with. Did you know this made me melt? But we’re just friends. It’s ok heart I feel him killing you slowly and I let him cause as much as it hurts, I need my fix of this strange drug. Most importantly, do not wrap your arms around me, then make me smile, don’t try too hard to impress me with your story, only to leave my side and steal glimpses of me the rest of the evening to tell me that you’re not interested. Wow, what kind of friend does that? As if it could get worse, I had a crappy night and guess who I want to run to and hide to? I’m looking forward to talking to you tomorrow, wait what am I saying I’m always looking forward to talking to you. You’re the first guy to work his way into my routine and you’ll be the first I force myself to kick out.

Every girl likes talking to the guy that makes her spilt her lip as she smiles so hard into her pillow. Damn you, fuck you. Stay away from me. But first lift your arm please and let me slide in beside you and fall asleep, feeling safe, warm, and loved. Even if the feelings aren’t real and mutual. I can pretend they are, at least for now.

Rygger (yes that is a name)

Hey
So this whole thing doesn’t surprise me as I said. What I just can’t seem to wrap my head around is how exactly when we had plans and obviously it was no secret we were into each other that another female can turn your head so very easily. I know you said it had nothing to do with me but when you pull what you did, it makes me start to wonder if it really was me. How could I have kept you attention? Am I really that horrible of a person that you can just push aside so easy?

I’m pissed off at myself for letting you in. The last time I let someone this close I ended up getting called, “psycho crazy stalker” and that he was “scared of me”. I’m angry at myself for letting you close especially after reading the insanely old DMs on twitter. Those made me soften up to the idea of spending time with you. I’m not one to lie and I won’t start now your messages earlier hurt, they made me cry a little. I saw it coming (context clues have always been a strong suit for me). I’m still interested in being your friend and getting to know you. All I ask is that you never put yourself down. THAT pisses me off a lot more than anything else you could say or do.